Friday, June 03, 2005

How Are You Not Dead Yet?

Given my troubles outdoors today, I would like to suggest some guidelines for pedestrians. As in those idiots you see walking down every street in Manhattan.

  1. Look where you are going. Ah, I know, this sounds too easy. But at different points in our lives we all realize that common sense isn't all that common. So, pedestrain, keep your frigging eyes open. It's easier than you think. That way, you can see where you are going and what is in front of you. Which leads me to my next point...
  2. Look where you are going. In case Rule #1 was not clear enough, looking where you are going means keeping your head pointed in the direction you are going. As in, when you exit the subway doors and begin walking to the left towards the stairs, do not look to the right at the other people exiting the subway. Do you know why? Because the subway has lots of doors with lots of people exiting and each of them walking a different direction. It is not their job to help you figure out which way you'll be walking, nor is it nice of you to make every single person on the platform walk around you while they try to figure out why on earth you have your head up your ass or how you made it out of bed this morning, much less tied your very own shoelaces.
  3. Be aware of your surroundings. That means do not stop to fidget with your zipper at the corner of Canal Street while 300 people are waiting behind you to cross the street. That also means step to the side if you are going to gab with your expensive-looking bohemian-outfitted over-processed dyejob girlfriend about her date last night with the cute boy from the bar while also talking on your cell to your mother about needing Daddy to write you another check, all while strolling so slowly down Prince Street during lunch-time that you may as well be going backwards. Its not so fun (or nice) to make other people drag their heels behind you or try to dart around you as though they are in a real-live game of Frogger.
  4. Keep it moving. You are in the fastest city on the planet. Get outta the way if you aren't going the speed everyone around you is going. Sounds similar to Rule #3, right? There's a reason for that, people, and its called being something important to pay attention to.
These things aren't so difficult. Do you remember when you first learned to ride a bicycle? And when you turned your head to hear what your Dad was saying about being careful, you turned the handlebars, thus the bike, and thus you to the side as well? And do you remember when you learned that you could still move forward while looking around? Its the same principle, really. Keep your tootsies on the move, check your surroundings, and most of all, get out of my way.

Oh, and I didn't get in to Hunter. The Big H put me on their waiting list.

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