When Is Too Much Enough?

I bought jeans this weekend. Expensive jeans. Two pairs. Expensive enough that I can say that combined, they are just $10 shy of half my share of the monthly rent. On the place where I live. Um, when I put it like that, it makes you want to gag, no? Yeah, me too.

In my defense (I have a defense?), I have trouble finding clothes that fit. Especially bottoms. I'm small. Some say tiny, but I just say small. I'm only 5'3", small-framed, and slender. Just a little bit over 100 pounds. Things don't fit me. Skirts are mostly too long and too wide. Dress pants are too big in the hips. Structured shirts are too big in the bust. T-shirts are too big in the arms. Everything is too big in the waist. When I find clothing that actually fits me, I get so excited that I tend to buy in bulk. The same shirt in two colors. The same pant in every print available, hence my stock in the Editor pant from Express, size 0 short, in black, grey and black with white pinstripe. Try wearing the same pair of pants every day, except its really a different pair of pants, and see how original you feel. Um, not very original at all.

But jeans. Denim. My favorite. And, also the HARDEST thing for me to find. Some may say that I am exaggerating. But jeans are my nemesis. My archenemy. My nightmares. I think I can safely say that in the last 4 months or so, I have tried on about 5 dozen jeans. For the mathematically challenged, thats 60 pairs of stupid pants. I'd say thats a lot. I usually go to a store or boutique that carries at least 2 lines, and I try on about 3 different styles each. So that's approximately 6 pairs, minimum, per store. Recently, I have tried The Gap, Express, American Eagle, Levis, H&M, Banana Republic, Flying A, Macys, Anthropologie, Bloomingdales, Loom, Brooklyn Industries, Target, Old Navy, etc. I have tried AG, Joe's Jeans, Paper Denim & Cloth. Rock N' Republic. Chip & Pepper. Seven's. Habitual. Citizens of Humanity.

See? That's a whole lot of jeans. I have noticed that the higher the price point, the more likely they are to fit smaller people. Great. That's just great. Not only am I punished for being small by not having things fit right, but I'm forced to pay extra for those same ordinary things.

So, back to the multi-purchase of expensive jeans. I was in Bloomingdales, looking for jeans as usual. For the second time in 9 days. Yes, I do other things besides shop. And THREE pairs of jeans FIT. Um, as you can probably tell from the above, that's never happened to me. Ever. As in never. As in, that means that both the moon and my stars and the universe and the cosmos and the galaxies and the karma and everything else was all lined up in the precise order to ensure that my little ass was housed in perfect-fitting jeans that looked fabulous and felt great. Well, aside from the hemming issue (seriously, who is my size and and six inches taller? you'd be a skeleton). So, I made the executive decision to buy two of the three pairs that fit. It had to be done.

Now, the question is, do I keep them? I know I can't afford them; that's why I didn't pay cash as I normally do. And, they look similar to each other. And they cost half my monthly rent. But they fit. Superbly. I can hem one for heels and one for flats. Or, I can decide which one I favor and return the other one in an effort to be responsible. Or, since they have a nearly identical cut, I can return the "worse" one and get the third pair instead, which was a very different cut, and still have two pairs of fabulous jeans. I think I may do the last thingy. And I think I will because if I ever hear from The Big H that they accept my application, in which case I will enroll, I will have 2 years of no jeans-buying (or anything else-buying). And for those two years, I'd love to have super jeans. And, while I'm still on a salary, I feel like I deserve these indulgences, however indulgent they are. And I can basically afford them, or afford to justify them.

I guess that's what I'm saying. I'm saying that I can justify my extravagant purchase because I think I deserve to have good things that I like before I give up so much to pursue a career that won't give me very much materialistically. Yes, its my choice to do so, but while I can manage nice, beautiful things, I'd like to. Hopefully, in three months, I can give it all up for the chance to pursue a dream. The Big H, where the fuck are you?