Life is a bit more tolerable today. Less desperate, more forgiving. Thank you, kind commenters, for your words of support. I appreciate your gentleness and reassurances. Truly, thank you.
Today I can't see. I went to the eye doctor for a checkup, and to be honest, because of my health paranoia. Let me 'splain. When I was 9, I was treated (and corrected) for amblyopia. Lazy eye. My left eye, is for all intents and purposes, useless. My brain doesn't quite use it, but it is a viable eye. It also happens to be SUPER DUPER farsighted, which makes for lots of trouble. Suffice to say that reading without my glasses is quite a challenge, given that my right eye is just fine v. the farsighted one, and depth perception on my left side is almost nonexistant. So, naturally, instead of understanding and owning what I just wrote, I constantly think i'm going blind in my left eye. Which I'm not. Dr. Young even said that the overall vision in the left eye is better than when he saw me last year. So there. But, i see floaters. Lots of floaters. All the time. And of course, what do I think as a result? That I am suffering from a torn or detached retina and that I'm going to lose the sight I do have in my left eye. Ha, left eye. Like that gal from TLC. Oh wait. Didn't she die? I can be so insensitive.
Moving right along, I'm fine. The floaters are to be ignored. I know this because he dilated my pupils and peeked in there with a series of magnifiers and bright bright lights. No retinal damage. Great. Good. Perfect. He did offer an interesting solution to my sight problems - I could get one contact lens for the left eye (ha, left eye. I can't help it). This would help me see more steadily all of the time, and probably help with the other stuff, too. Its pricey, though. But I am going to consider it.
So, that's why I can't see. My eyes don't quite focus. And Doc Y said that since I'm fair-skinned and have light eyes, the dilation should take longer to wear off than usual. Wonderful. Now I'm stuck in the house unsure of what to do but itching to leave as the upstairs assholes are playing basketball indoors again and the downstairs pot-smoking hippies are blaring their drum ciricle music. I'm stuck in the middle, sensitive to light, and obviously to sound, too! i'm uncertain about leaving, though. Getting home from the city was quite a comedy - me, darting from shady space to shady space, cringing and covering my eyes in the sunlight like some kind of pale, frizzy haired vampire. On the way home I bought myself a pair of cute shoes to make up for my pain. Yay for cute shoes. I know that M. will be thrilled - he is always, um, encouraging me to buy more shoes.
Right-o. Tonight I'm seeing my friend MZ in my old neighborhood. And I'm working on Saturday and Sunday at the store. Let's all pray together that I don't buy anything. But M. asked me out on a date for Saturday after work, and I'm so super excited to spend some tme with him. Its funny - we live together and I see him every single day, but I haven't really had any time with him all week. Monday was a bust, Tuesday was nice together, Wednesday I had my sewing class and last night we went to a Yankees game with his work people. I think that having some alone time, some romance time tomorrow is going to be really good for us. I miss him terribly.