Wednesday, September 14, 2005

I'm B-B-Buggin'

Its happening again. The damn heebie-jeebies have got me in their claws and I'm freaking. Totally freaking.

First, the good news. This past weekend, I progressed 4 pattern repeats on the blankie-shawl. That's good, as I feared it might never grow. As in, I might never finish it. I do see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Now, the not so good news. Much of which may sound like a repeat from a few months ago. And since I just love lists:
  • I hate my job. It is a thankless place where I am underused and undervalued. I have zero prospects for moving ahead or gaining new skills, as the ruler-with-an-iron-fist prevents true learning and advancement from taking place.
  • I feel stuck in my job, as I don't have any skills to move forward since I don't do anything here.
  • I am destined to be poor poor poor. And even if I do find another job, I am forever going to be stuck in the same dumb earning bracket as I have been in for the last few years. I just don't see a way to get ahead. Which leads me to...
  • I am so struggling with money right now. I spend too much and make too little. I know that the anser to that is definitely spend less, but I seem to be having mucho trouble with that. I think I am going to stick to a cash-only allowance once a week, and use that for everything. That means not only am I still leaving my credit cards at home, but I will no longer use my debit card. Cash only means cash only. As in the dolla bills I have in my wallet only. I figure I can try this allowance-based system for two months (my therapist's suggestion) and see how it goes.
  • I am supposedly due for a raise in October but I can't even count on that because its too risky. And I hate worrying about money. And I feel terrible because I'll be forever holding Mike back with my dumb salary. Its a terrible feeling to want to be an equal partner but unable to do so. However, the median income for a 4-person family in New York is $69,354. If you divide that by two earners, that's $34,677 each. I make more than that, so something should be working out for me. I shouldn't be in as much trouble as I am. And its not that I'm in trouble, really, its just that I thought I would be in a much better place by now. And now that I see that I'm not, it makes me so anxious about ever getting to that place.
And I'm stuck. I am working on my application for grad school, again. I have decided on a Master's in Public Affairs, part-time, at a CUNY. I know I could do this and I know it could help me get ahead, but its also so disheartening. I feel so dumb. I feel so behind the curve. I feel so inadequate. Why do I up-and-down like this? Why do I seek self-value as reflected in others? Particularly this job. So, I have a job that isn't that interesting or exciting. Why do I let that indicate my self-worth? Why not feel excited that I can work on my essay while here and feel engaged in that way? Its hard to feel good about the trade-off. And I think its harder still because of how my last job ended. I was fired. Let go, as people instructed me to say. To go from that hurt and disappointment to this place where nothing I do has any meaning or value, well, its hard. It reinforces the worthlessness. You dig?


I guess its back to my essay.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

My dear, you may be 'poor' relatively, but you are not poor. In fact, I envy your brand of poverty.