Tuesday, July 18, 2006

No Such Thing As A Free Lunch

I try to be really good about my finances (try being the operative word), but the one thing I can say that I am very conscious of is bringing lunch to work as opposed to buying overpriced food near Penn Station, where I work. But its hot, and I'm lazy, so I've been buying more than my self-imposed limit of once per week. The upside to this is that I get my little frequent-buyer card stamped at the joint where I get my overpriced salad. And today, my friends, I got my free salad.

Free salad. Sounds great, right? But now, let's examine the situation. It wasn't free. I had to purchase ten (10) salads, at an average of $6.50 each, to get that free salad. That means I paid $65 to get my free salad today. I was so excited to get the free salad that for a minute, I forgot that my getting the free salad at all meant that I had shelled out a fairly serious sum of money in the days past.

I can think of plenty of ways to spend that $65 other than salad. Like, I could have gone to the grocery store and purchased a week's worth of breakfasts, lunches and dinners instead. Or gone out for a few nicer meals than salad mixed by some minimum-wage worker wearing a hairnet, that I then shovel into my mouth while fielding emails from people across the country.

On another note, I must vent. I don't quite think this is the most appropriate forum, but I'm hurt and I feel like I can't say it out loud. That's why I blog, right? So I can say all things things that I can't say out loud? Or the things that nobody listens to, like obsessive talk of crafting? I'm not engaged yet. I love my true love, and he loves me, but I feel like he's dragging his heels. I just don't understand it. We have discussed when we want to have the actual wedding, and I know he's smart enough to know that the engagement comes before the wedding, but I'm still waiting. I half feel like I'm going to wait forever. FOREVER. We've gone to jewelers, we've looked at rings, and I know its coming. We're saving to buy a house together. We have more than one joint banking account. Intellectually I know that he's not going to disappear on me. But the emotional part of me hates him for not doing it yet. I feel like if he really really really wanted to do it, it would just be done and I wouldn't be broadcasting it for all of the zero people who read this. Every morning when I wake up next to him, the very first thing I think about is that he hasn't asked me. Every day that passes that he doesn't ask crushes me just a little bit more. Sometimes I get so hurt and angry about it that I just can't even look at him.

I look at every woman I see on the subway, on the street, at the gym, to check their hand to see if they are engaged. I hate the ones that are, because it means that their true love cared enough to ask them and nobody knows by looking at me that I am loved so fiercely by the best man I have ever known. I know I'm impatient about it. But I also feel like I want it so much more than he wants it, and that is such a scary thing because it means he can break my heart. I know this. But my heart clenches and I can't stop thinking about it even so.

I'm not some 50s throwback weirdo that wants to be a prim and proper housewife. Its not like that. I just want him, in a bigger way than I have him now. I feel like his not doing this yet means that he's not sure about me. That he's still trying to decide if I'm really the one, if he even likes me enough. I dislike that feeling enormously. It exposes me for being weak and unsure and truthfully, it isn't like me to be so unconfident. But this one thing turns me in the a skittish, sobbing, pathetic rag of a girl.

And thus, I have vented. Let the chips fall where they may.


Veronique said...

Wait a minute. You've LOOKED AT RINGS TOGETHER?!! That alone means that when you choose the design you like, you're engaged, right?
I understand that you're frustrated, but maybe he's preparing a surprise? You need a little bit of build up for a surprise!

Becky said...

The fact that you've even looked at rings seems like a sort of engagement to me. (And I bet that's the way a lot of men look at it.) Maybe he's just taking it for granted that he doesn't even have to ask you? Next time you look at rings why not just say something along the lines of, "So! Are you ever going to officially ask me?" Say it lightly, in a semi-kidding way...